Longer Eulogy

Good afternoon. Before I begin, I want to take the opportunity, to thank all of you for being here today—in person, in this beautiful sanctuary, or virtually—to help us celebrate Ilona’s life. I am not the only one who travelled from out of state to be here today, and that we have gathered from near and far speaks to the impact [name] had on people.

For those who don’t know me. My name is [my name] and [name] and I were connected in multiple ways. 

I first heard of [name] from my good friend, [name1]. I then met Ilona at [place], became a client by participating in one of her wealth seminars, went ballroom dancing with her, and of course, became one of her many friends.

I’ve heard it said that grief is simply unexpressed love. The moral, I think, is that grief isn’t something we should avoid or try to overcome, but something we should embrace. If grief really is just a reflection of the love we feel for the person we lost, then we should hope to always feel some measure of grief for our departed loved ones. I like that sentiment; I think there’s some wisdom there, and perhaps some solace for those of us who are grieving so deeply still.

But it got me thinking about that notion of "unexpressed love." Unexpressed love: definitely a foreign concept to [name].   

She never missed an opportunity to let us know how much she loved us, how proud she was of us, how happy we made her, how lucky she was to be our friend. And we reciprocated—in person, on the phone, over text, or email.  Around [name] there was no chance love would go unexpressed.

It is in that spirit that I set out to summarize what I learned from [name] and what she meant to me-- an impossible task, to be sure. 

I regret that I hadn’t talked to [name] recently but I know she knew I loved her. And there’s no way I or anyone else could have been in her orbit and not understand that we were loved.   

My first real interactions with [name] were during a wealth seminar. She was organized, knowledgeable, and gave us information that I have referenced again and again. I learned plenty and was left feeling empowered and capable. The experience created an opening for me to examine my own wants and beliefs. I thought I was getting practical advice on investing. Turns out I learned about myself, my life, my values, and my desire to have a positive impact on those around me. 

I started the seminar thinking that money was about security. Since then, I have seen that the purpose of wealth is not security. In Joan Chittister and Rowan Williams’ book, Uncommon Gratitude-Allelulia For All That Is-- they write 

“The purpose of wealth is reckless generosity, the kind that sings of the lavish love of God, the kind that rekindles hope on dark days, the kind that reminds us that God is with us always. It creates in the holy heart a freedom of spirit that takes a person light-footed through the world, scattering possibility as it goes.”  

I think this sums up beautifully how [name]’s focus wasn’t what it seemed. Although she discussed growth strategies and the stock market, it had nothing to do with greed and amassing more, and everything to do with expanding the choices available. 

How interesting that instead of focusing on gaining more and measuring value by the bottom line of my accounts, I have explored what I want my life to be about and have learned to measure my success by the qualities I carry inside and how I express my values in the world. I’m not alone in this experience with [name]. And it might be the only time I found [name]’s influence and message to be subtle.

In a dramatic retelling of my personal story, I left [location] and the life I had here after throwing a metaphorical hand grenade into what looked to the outside world like a pretty great life. The hand grenade method (which I do not recommend) was a destructive technique to create for myself the opportunity for something completely different. It also caused some major collateral damage and losses I was not expecting. 

[Name], my friend, and sometimes the only listener I felt safe to tell my truths to, spent countless hours on the phone with me. She asked difficult questions, cajoled me into answering, and ultimately demanded I take a stand for myself and my own value. In this way, she helped me find my voice. And it wasn’t easy. 

It felt a lot like she was pushing me up a mountain- step by step, bit by bit, until we arrived at what I thought was the top. Yes! Victory. [Name] celebrated the ground we had covered and then in that way that she had- pushed me off a cliff!   While I was in free fall- [name] raced to the bottom to be sure I was okay. Her smiling face- sunlight, acceptance, nurturing, and compassion.  Through her tough love, I learned my voice alone is not enough. I have to back up my dreams with the courage and trust that I can fly. And if I fall, I am surrounded by a community who will help me heal and try again.  

Oh! the gratitude I have for the richness of trial and error, the liberating grace of acceptance for who we are and what we do, and [name]’s stand for us all to shape our hearts in different, more life-giving, fulfilling ways. 

[Name] taught me that my impatience and desire for immediate outcome was robbing me of the magic that unfolds during the journey.  A journey, [name] made fun. 

I have a raunchy story to tell but I will save it for the reception. For those who were present, I hope you will always giggle remembering [name]’s caresses and passion for the salt shaker. 

Another passion of [name]’s was dance. I went ballroom dancing with [name] once. While we were in street clothes and dance shoes, in my mind’s eye, I see [name] in a yellow gown, spinning, with her head thrown back, eyes squinting, mouth smiling!   A whirling dervish! Demanding attention and thrilling in the delight of the moment.  

I looked up whirling dervish and found that the origin of the term comes from a word that means listening. It is a form of physically active meditation by spinning one’s body. The spinning is performed as a worship ceremony with the aim to reach a greater connection with God. The connection to spiritual was evident in [name]’s expression of joy when she danced. And like everything else in her life, she generously shared the experience, passion, and love to all.

We all have many things we can say [name] was in this life. Reverend [xxx] listed some at the beginning of the service- A mother, a mentor, a coach, a nurturer, financial genius, lover of life and friend to everyone she ever met!

To this I add listener and beacon of hope, light, and joy!

I’m going to end with a reading:

“What Is Dying?” by Luther F. Beecher (but also seen in several versions;

attributed to Victor Hugo, Bishop Charles Henry Brent, and others) 

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze, and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch her until she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to meet and mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says: “There! She’s gone!” Gone where? Gone from my sight—that is all. She is just as large in mast and bull and spar as she was when she left my side, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of her destination. Her diminished size is in me and not in her. 

And just at that moment when someone at my side says: “There! She’s gone!” there are other eyes that are watching for her coming; and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: “There she comes!” 

As everyone here can attest, to meet [name] was to know instantly what a beautiful person she was, inside and out; a kind, caring soul; sharp, funny, and fun to be around; someone who brightened the lives of all those around her.

Her light, love, and energy live on! And we are better for having known her. Thank you.